chronic illness

Reflection and an Open Request to the Universe

replica viking rune

If the snake’s head is the beginning and the tail is the end, I’m headed to the cross roads on my way to the spiral. Maybe now, we’re getting down to business? (Viking rune replica)

I’ve had a lot of experiences so far, some which I enjoyed, some which I merely endured, and others which were rather painful. In my early years, I was a lot more fun, and I enjoyed going dancing and laughing a lot. Sigh. Times changed, and with some of the experiences I’ve had, I’ve become a lot more driven and a lot more serious. When I was first told to put my affairs in order, it hit me a bit hard. My children were young, and the whole situation had a lasting impact.

viking boat replica

I’m a boat looking for my next journey. (Viking boat replica)

I was able to turn my life around which began with giving my spiritual life more priority while giving my religion less. I looked for what was really important in every encounter because I just didn’t have the energy for anything more than the essentials. My life began to shift. I stopped volunteering for everything, and I stopped sending Christmas cards. I started seeing all traditions as very, very optional as well as the cultural mandate that came with them. I rested more because I had no choice. My family had to become more independent and sometimes had to learn to not only take care of themselves but to take care of me. In retrospect, these were all good things. What took me so long to figure them out?

butterfly; cocoons

Leaving illness felt like coming out of a cocoon into a new world.

I finally came out the other side and have been pursuing wellness rather than treating illness for the past ten years. Whew! But that also brought shifts, too. Eating isn’t much fun anymore; it’s a chore as all the comfort foods are out and the healthy foods are in. It’s amazing how much food once brought pleasure to everyday life. Ice cream, cookies, bread, pancakes – you are sorely missed.

Redwood tree

I’m strong now.

As my nest has emptied, I find myself alone more and more. I have time to do things that I want to do, I just lack the drive and initiative to do them. I’ve discovered that I did far more for my children than I want to do for myself. It just seems like too much energy and money. And now that I have choices, it feels more important. I have the time, but what do I want to be when I grow up? I always wanted to be a writer, but haven’t generated any interest in my first novel. The whole publishing industry is intimidating, and as I read other writers’ work, I realize that my ambition is misguided. I’m not creative enough, emotionally expressive enough, or interesting enough to write what people want to read. Putting that dream away, I can’t seem to find the next one.

path

The path into the unknown can be exciting.

Inspiration, find me! I’m stronger than I’ve ever been and have learned how to love. I’ve even learned how to forgive, something I never thought I’d figure out. I just don’t know where to go and what to do with what I’ve learned. I’m wondering what to do with my modest amount of free time. (We’re talking very modest here, as I still have a full-time job and a side-business as well.)

Full moon

Universe, I’m listening. I’m waiting for my next assignment.

Universe, I’m waiting to hear what is next on the agenda. There are so many possibilities, but only a few of those will support my true path. Give me a sign and send me on my way. I’ve got too much time left to just sit and watch television like my friends. I’m done raising my kids, and it’s time to apply myself to a more common cause. I’ve had plenty of on-the-job training as a human, now it’s time to put it to use. I’m a serious kind of person, so I’m looking for some serious kind of guidance here. I’m gathering my second wind, I just need to know which direction to go. Remember, I’m not afraid of hard work. You’ve got a project that is perfect for my skills? I just have three words for you:  Bring. It. On.

stars, night sky

God/Goddess/Universe, do you have a message for me?

25 replies »

  1. I love your blog writings so please don’t give up the writing aspect. I hope the Universe delivers inspiration to you soon and that doors open wide with a breath of fresh air and amazing sparkly possibilities! Gather your resources and energies…I feel like the time is beckoning! xo

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  2. From what I just read, you are an excellent writer. Never give up on a dream you have, you just need to rework it,maybe self-publish through Amazon, I think it is free with the print on demand. Anyone can buy your book through them with print on demand and it won’t cost you anything, plus you will get your name out there.

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  3. Karel:
    Write about what you know. I understand your feelings far more than you would ever know. Think about what you can learn and what you can teach.
    THAT you can is a given. The goal doesn’t have to be so far away as it seems to you now. Look close in. Your satisfaction may be in the little things, not a big thing. Your gift to others may be in a smile to someone who needs one or some thoughtful little deed that doesn’t seem like much to you but it is a biggie to them. The elements that make up life are relative. It is alright to take time for yourself. When you indulge yourself you may also be making yourself better for someone else to know, to enjoy.
    Sometimes we need to take a little in order to give more. Be patient with the Universe. The guidance will come. The task will be to recognize it when it comes.

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    • All my life I have been encouraged to dream small. When I completed law school and passed the bar exam the first time, even with four children underfoot, no one was more shocked than my parents. I like to believe that I have the “close in” handled. I’m looking for a larger vision and I’m tired of being encouraged to give up my dreams to do little things for everyone else. I’ve heard that all my life and it does not suit me. I need a vision and a path to begin. I can handle the rest. I know you want to be encouraging by telling me to do little things and not to try to stretch. Thanks for your input.

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  4. It’s freaking early here but I have to type this anyhow… 🙂 I had almost the same experience, and voiced so, in a letter to a friend of mine recently. I was blubbering uncontrollably, feeling useless and having no dreams left to pursue. Not that you do, but that was how I felt; Like my time of productivity had passed me by. I have spent 11 years trying to manage a disease. Its been exhausting.

    This could be a long reply, but it’s not about me. It’s about you finding your way to what you love. That can be mentally exhausting also.

    – What I found is that my core values and desires are no different than they were when I was a young mother and wife. Now, I’m a 60-something Mother and Wife, Artist, but, I’m also still Me. I’m in my journey to seeing who that is. I’m not sure I really knew her.

    While I love being an artist, I also love to feed people and teach. Teach what? LOL I’m not sure really. Baking? I do love baking. Helping folks lose weight? Yeah, I’m a master at that. Do I care enough to facilitate helping others do the same? I dunno… All of this and more is ahead of me and I look for the open doors which match my energy levels and heart felt drive to share love with the world. Anytime we work from a heartfelt energy, we share love.

    OK, Off to the Vets office… My cat has a sinus infection! Ah that love… Sometimes it makes me get up at 5:30 AM… (rolls eyes).. “not a morning person”…

    PS… You write perfectly well. It’s inspiring. I love it.

    Gin

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    • Thank you, Gin. I’m also up early, So I can go to work. My cat has been making biscuits on my head half the night and I’m bleary-eyed. He’s dying of lymphoma. Where I once would have tossed him off the bed, I now cuddle him closer. I hope your kitty recovers quickly.

      You describe perfectly what I am asking for- open doors which match my energy levels and drive to share. There is so much need in the world, but what aspect is mine to address? Or every battle is mine, after all. Every time I think I I know and I’m working it, I feel I must do something else first in order to prepare, so that it seems to be eternally put off. I feel things shifting into place; perhaps I’m just impatient.

      Thanks for your response. I know this is a common enough response to the empty nest, but since it is now happening to me, it doesn’t feel common at all! And I never thought of my writing as inspiring. Thank you.

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      • Thank you for your reply… You are a soul-sister of sorts. Millie our snowshoe Siamese has been struggling with a “sinus infection” and I’ve been treating her for it. She wasn’t getting better though, so I made another apt with the vet. …. xrays shows two massive tumors in the sinus… The vet said her quality of life wasn’t going to improve, and it’s been rough for the last week. Her body wasn’t doing very well. He recommended euthanasia. I guess I kind of knew this would happen. Sad ending to my morning. – She was well loved though and had an amazing home life. -We have an empty spot here…=/

        So…. 🙂 Look, life just finds us sometimes when we aren’t really paying attention. I’m looking at hints the universe gives me, when my heart feels happy and content. I follow that. The world teaches us we have to struggle and work hard. Poop on that… We have to find what brings US JOY, and that’s the actual work. I know you already know this, I’m just typing out-loud to my eyeballs so I can remember that also. Seems we have to remind our brains, its OK to enjoy what we offer to the world. – Have a lovely day!

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        • I’m so sorry. When the time is right, you can invite your kitty to return to you in a fresh, new body. I have a number of pets who just keep returning, and we are grateful for that. What a void for now, though. I hope you have someone there to comfort you. Sending hugs.

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          • 🙂 I’m on the East Coast of Florida… Any further east, and you’d bathe in the Ocean. Farther north and you’d fall into the Georgia Rivers. I just threw on my shorts and t-shirt. I was hot. LOL Snow might be nice.

            I let our pets know they are more than welcome to come back here when they are ready.. Perhaps not as detailed as what you mentioned, but I think they know what I mean.

            Tea sounds lovely. I Love mine with Shortbread. Thank You for thinking of me…

            Yes, I’ve folks here. I’m not alone. At times like this though, I think we are sort of alone mentally, until we can figure out a way to adjust to the missing physical loved ones.

            Gin

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          • I can smell the humidity in your response. Sigh. That’s too bad you’re so far away, but hey- isn’t the Internet great? We get to be friends from afar.

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        • I wish that we lived close and could chat over a cup of tea. I don’t recall much snow mentioned on you blog, though, so I assume you live far from Colorado. ?

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          • Sweetie… I’m so sorry. In my grief I overlooked mentioning your kitty. I sleep with my kitty too. He insists I pamper him; when he’d done for the evening being brushed, petted catered too, he curls up and goes to sleep by my head. If I move he reaches out and pats me. . . What you are going through is precious, and sad. When you are as close as what I mentioned, and I know you are, from the stories you tell, the pain is gut ripping. We find ourselves saying things like, “I’ll never do this again”, “Pets? Who needs this!?” I guess we do. It hurts like all get out. Eventually, we find ourselves right back into the same situation. Love has to have an outlet.

            I’m out here if you want or need me. 🙂

            Gin

            Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. The industry can be a bit intimidating. I’ve had some very dedicated and enthusiastic beta readers encourage me. But the traditional publishing route is hard to do. Independent publishing can be, too. Still trying to decide.
      It’s a young adult novel, so the marketing is pretty unfamiliar to me. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed. I thought the hard part would be writing it, but that was the easy part!

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