I’ve had a lot of experiences so far, some which I enjoyed, some which I merely endured, and others which were rather painful. In my early years, I was a lot more fun, and I enjoyed going dancing and laughing a lot. Sigh. Times changed, and with some of the experiences I’ve had, I’ve become a lot more driven and a lot more serious. When I was first told to put my affairs in order, it hit me a bit hard. My children were young, and the whole situation had a lasting impact.
I was able to turn my life around which began with giving my spiritual life more priority while giving my religion less. I looked for what was really important in every encounter because I just didn’t have the energy for anything more than the essentials. My life began to shift. I stopped volunteering for everything, and I stopped sending Christmas cards. I started seeing all traditions as very, very optional as well as the cultural mandate that came with them. I rested more because I had no choice. My family had to become more independent and sometimes had to learn to not only take care of themselves but to take care of me. In retrospect, these were all good things. What took me so long to figure them out?
I finally came out the other side and have been pursuing wellness rather than treating illness for the past ten years. Whew! But that also brought shifts, too. Eating isn’t much fun anymore; it’s a chore as all the comfort foods are out and the healthy foods are in. It’s amazing how much food once brought pleasure to everyday life. Ice cream, cookies, bread, pancakes – you are sorely missed.
As my nest has emptied, I find myself alone more and more. I have time to do things that I want to do, I just lack the drive and initiative to do them. I’ve discovered that I did far more for my children than I want to do for myself. It just seems like too much energy and money. And now that I have choices, it feels more important. I have the time, but what do I want to be when I grow up? I always wanted to be a writer, but haven’t generated any interest in my first novel. The whole publishing industry is intimidating, and as I read other writers’ work, I realize that my ambition is misguided. I’m not creative enough, emotionally expressive enough, or interesting enough to write what people want to read. Putting that dream away, I can’t seem to find the next one.
Inspiration, find me! I’m stronger than I’ve ever been and have learned how to love. I’ve even learned how to forgive, something I never thought I’d figure out. I just don’t know where to go and what to do with what I’ve learned. I’m wondering what to do with my modest amount of free time. (We’re talking very modest here, as I still have a full-time job and a side-business as well.)
Universe, I’m waiting to hear what is next on the agenda. There are so many possibilities, but only a few of those will support my true path. Give me a sign and send me on my way. I’ve got too much time left to just sit and watch television like my friends. I’m done raising my kids, and it’s time to apply myself to a more common cause. I’ve had plenty of on-the-job training as a human, now it’s time to put it to use. I’m a serious kind of person, so I’m looking for some serious kind of guidance here. I’m gathering my second wind, I just need to know which direction to go. Remember, I’m not afraid of hard work. You’ve got a project that is perfect for my skills? I just have three words for you: Bring. It. On.