love

Death of My Friend

I was abandoned by my best friend two days ago, when he allowed himself to die. I find it difficult to forgive him for leaving me when I’m not ready to let him go. In Honey and Salt by Carl Sandburg, he speaks of love:

“Bidden or unbidden? How comes love?
Both bidden and unbidden, a sneak and a shadow….”

It is the same with death, which comes both bidden and unbidden. Although my friend Pixar seemed to insist on it, I resisted. My sweet Abyssinian cat Pixar (aka Pix, Pixie, and Pixie-doodles), has been leaving hints for a year that he was preparing to die. When one of our other cats stepped up to try, amateurishly, to pinch hit for Pix by snuggling and sleeping with me when Pixar didn’t feel up to it, I knew with a sense of dread that they were preparing me. There were many other signs, too, none of which I wanted to believe. Those of us attuned to Pixar knew that he, for whatever reason was ready to die. But no matter how prepared he was, I wasn’t, and didn’t know how to let go.

Pixar with his poodle friend, Jazz.

I can’t help but feel abandoned. How could he leave when he knows how much I need his loving touch? When I first began to be sensitive to energy, I discovered Pixar working his healing magic on me. One night, as we prepared to sleep, he curled up by my head on the pillow. He reached out with his paw and touched my temple. I could feel a ripple of energy come out of his paw and pass over my face and down toward my neck and shoulders. He was working on me all the time, making him more than companion and friend, he was also a healer of significant measure. A gift from my husband, Pix came to me nine years ago when I was very ill, and he worked on me constantly. I’ve been in complete remission for five years now, and I believe that his love was part of my recovery.

Unusual for a cat, Pix was outgoing. He’d greet me at the door every night when I came home from work, and frequently greeted visitors as well. He loved to travel and camp with us. He’d ride in the car curled on a lap, snuggling a shoulder, or sprawled on the dashboard. He enjoyed the journey as much as the destination.

Pixar camping at Big Horn, Wyoming.

I don’t know why he needed to “transition” now, although I’ve had a few hints. I’m not sure I’m ready to see the bigger picture today. All I can address are my feelings in The Now. I just don’t understand why our love wasn’t enough to keep him here. My logical mind understands the answer, but my heart won’t listen.

Categories: love, Pets

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27 replies »

  1. So sad, but such a loving obituary for Pix. My Chessie Cat healed me when I had cancer as well so I absolutely understand how you felt. Our pets are such healers. I love the photos. Rest in peace dear Pix. xo

    Liked by 1 person

      • I understand. We lost our Chessie cat a few years ago and it broke my heart. It was the end of an era and I cherished that she was with us for 17 years. She was a healer by nature, a rescue kitten as well. Our lives were so enriched by the loving presence of our cat angel. We now have 2 (2 years after Chessie passed we got another rescue who looks similar to Chessie) but it’s never the same. And yet, it’s lovely as well. xo

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I had a cat I thought was my cat version of soulmate and since Max died five years ago I’ve never stopped thinking about him. I have another cat now whom I also love but every now and then I call him Max… Sorry for your loss.

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  3. Thank you for sharing this dear! This is a very important part of healing.
    I am sorry for your loss!
    And, you never know, you might see each other again 🙂

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    • I’d like him to come back. He’s always so sweet and supportive. I was reluctant to vent my grief to the universe, but I admit it helped me feel better. Thanks for understanding that.

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    • Thanks. There were a number of years when my husband traveled that I slept with my cat and dog much more often than I did my husband. That kind of time together really strengthens a relationship. Thanks for listening and sharing.

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  4. I am so sorry you have lost Pixar. When we lost Muffy, I cried for weeks. WE still miss her now twenty years later; I know you will miss your beloved cat for a long long time as well. The good news is that he touched your life and your heart while he was here. There will be comfort in your other pets and in your family. Pass the love on to others and thank our Supreme Being that you can feel that kind of love.

    Mom

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  5. I just blogged on this last week when I had to have my beloved cat of 16 years put to sleep. She let me know she was going, but I still was totally unprepared. I somehow thought I could give her the right food, meds, magick, and everything and anything to keep her here. My heart goes out to you. It’s hard to lose a beloved pet.

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