I was quite sad this afternoon and wondered where all this emotion was coming from. I recalled a poem that I read probably 30 years ago, but it called to me so clearly, that I have never forgotten.
I know you thought I cried too long.
…
It’s just that sometimes
When I cry
I go back and loose everything
I ever lost … again.
I cry for all my dead dogs
…
It isn’t you.
It’s just my beginnings
Crashing into my endings.
From “Split Ends” by Merrit Malloy in My Song for Him Who Never Sang to Me
As I swallowed yet another disappointment in a valued relationship today, I realized that I was crying not just for this one, but for all the others that had taken place. The poem describes this type of grief, which seems cumulative. At this time of year, I occasionally get triggered by the fear that it will be like the many Christmases where I made sure that everyone got something they wanted and felt loved- but no one thought that I might want that too. I try hard not to expect anything so that the holidays won’t be so disappointing. There have been so many years when my needs weren’t met, but it always seemed like everyone else got what they needed.
I wondered if this is why my husband is sometimes so remote during the holidays. Perhaps it’s his past crashing into this reality, whispering that past disappointments will be his future, too. In those moments, he may be unable to recall all the good years that scoffed in the face of his childhood. Because when we are crying for all our dead dogs, we are immersed in loss and cannot touch the loyal dogs beside us.
I hope you will get what you need this Christmas.
I love the photographs! sooo beautiful
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Thank you. Things are looking up! Enjoy your first Christmas (if that is a holiday you celebrate) and new year with your son!
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No, I don’t celebrate Christmas 🙂 I am a Muslim, I celebrate Eid ul Fitr and Eid ul Adha.
Although I miss travelling during end of year holiday but I do enjoy everyday with my son because he will be in the daycare soon
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Enjoy all the time you have together before you return to work!
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Everything has its time. It is because of our love that we pray sometimes never end. But, they do. That always hurts. Eventually, we learn something from the pain as well as from the love, we pull up our big girl panties and forge onward through the fog. The optimist believes that the sun will always shine again. And it will. I am sending you hugs via the Universe!
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It isn’t grief so much as it is disappointment. And yes, that is part of the human condition, too. But when it hits a certain level, it can trigger similar disappointments from the past, as well. I will feel things so deeply. Things are better now, and I’ve returned to equilibrium. Thanks for the hugs!
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Yeah… grief can be totally consuming. It’s so nice to wake up and see hope has returned to devour this beast! May hope knock on your door tomorrow. (:
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Today is looking better, with input from an unexpected direction.
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See..hope IS always in front of us. Thanks (:
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Thanks from me too Karel. A friendship of 30 years is coming to an end right now…I feel sad, endings feel sad. The poem sums it up so well!!
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I’m glad it speaks to you, too. When grief hits, it brings all our past abandonments with it. I’m sorry to hear your friendship is ending, but there is an ebb and flow to all things. This may be the natural denouement that is in the flow. But still, it hurts. Sending you good wishes.
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Completely agree, it is complete.
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Thanks for this, Karel. I buried my mother 2 weeks ago and I am immersed in sorrow and tears. These words were meaningful. ❤
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I am so sorry, Brenda. I wish that I could given words of comfort, but I feel totally inadequate. Grace and blessings to you.
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