Expansion and Contraction

I’ve been AWOL from this blog for several months and feel bad about it. This blog has been expansive for me, helping me to connect with others and build online relationships. I found this difficult since I have been in contraction – shrinking into myself and away from connections.

The pandemic shifted many of us from expansion to contraction as we left our offices and social events. Expansion energy sends us outward socially, physically, and emotionally. Expansion seeks stimulation, reaching out to other people, places, or experiences. During the pandemic, that stopped for many of us. Although some could maintain social connections with friends and family, it wasn’t the same over Zoom as it would be in person, and it gave very little room for building new relationships. We moved to a phase of contraction.

I’m embarrassed to say that I enjoyed the contraction part of the pandemic. My full-time job, a significant commute, and part-time business had left me over-extended and constantly rushed. In the office, I could feel and often hear the stress of my coworkers all day long. Working remotely, it was a relief to just deal with my feelings and no one else’s. Besides, I have my companion animals nearby to keep things chill. The pandemic increased my and my husband’s workloads, so we pushed back leisure travel for another time, even in our pandemic-friendly RV. Leaving the house seemed like too much work, and I was in too much pain.

I began reading my news, judiciously choosing trusted sources (mainly the New York Times), and leaving the television off. We mainly socialized with our adult children, who came to play board games. We each trusted each other enough to stay away if they felt they could be at risk, and that trust turned out to be well-deserved. Some got COVID, but none brought it to our house to expose the others. I had phone and Zoom calls with a couple of old friends. And I was contented with that. I was interacting with those that I trusted and no one else.

So, now that the pandemic is over, I expected a period of expansion. Where is it? While many have taken overdue vacations and started socializing again, my husband and I haven’t. And then, after an easy pandemic, problems rolled in at home. We began addressing overlooked medical maintenance, and things seemed to multiply. No one wanted to hear about that, so we reduced our few social interactions even more.

Within two months, my husband was hospitalized this spring, one of our dogs died (more on that in another post), and I had major surgery. (I don’t want anyone worrying my surgery was life-limiting; it was a total knee replacement.) We are okay, but these stressors pushed us even more into contraction. We spent more time alone, our default coping mechanism. We socialized less with each other and other people. Nothing inspired me to blog. We continued working; that never stops.

I pushed hard at work during the six weeks leading up to my surgery, getting projects either closed or to a productive state of waiting (yes, that can be a thing, as I awaited input from others) so that I was exhausted and desperately needed the downtime when my recovery began. Reading, sleeping, and physical therapy (ugh) kept me busy. My companion animals have been here, thank goodness, but it was still lonely and isolating. Since I am an introvert, being alone is usually a space of nurturing and thoughtfulness, but it began to feel like too much of a good thing.

Returning to work meant easing out of the bedroom and walking down the hall to my home office. I thought this would push me into expansion. Although I still work remotely, I saw some of my colleagues socially again. The cycle is slowly beginning to switch. My husband and I bought a new-to-us car, so expansion is taking off! I’ve gotten new glasses so I can see beyond my computer. My new knee and our new car help me to move about. Expansion is starting physically, and I hope it will creep to the emotional level next. I find it more challenging than I thought.

My blog has suffered, but I’m trying to get back in the saddle. I have visited others’ blogs but hesitated to comment. So many others usually comment that I can’t imagine my polite words would mean anything to anyone.

(Sigh.) Looking through the blogosphere, I don’t think I’m alone in this struggle. What have your experiences been? How have you transitioned into a larger world? Do you have some words of wisdom to share?